The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
