i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
the room spins SO much faster in panama
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
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