R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Randomize
