Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Randomize
