You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
