Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
