Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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