3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
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