my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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