I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
