shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
