my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
I have tasted many bathrooms
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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