He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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