your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
