you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Randomize
