I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Randomize
