with your own penis?
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
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