So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
