and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
