Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
What did we do last night that was yellow?
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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