I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
