You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
