I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
