I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
