He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
