i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
