it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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