Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."