life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize
