proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
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