I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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