probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
