Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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