I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Randomize
