Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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