There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
used his ipod to set the mood...1st song was livin on a prayr 2nd song was disco stick
i expected more from guys that i meet at the jersey shore.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
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