Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I just gargled with NyQuil
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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