On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Randomize
