She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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