just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
