I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
