I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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