i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
