you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
