My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
do herpes really smell.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Randomize
