I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
