it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
The air taste purple.
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