You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
