....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
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Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
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Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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