True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
