He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
