Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Randomize
