Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
