Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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