i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Randomize
