don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
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