I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Someone shattered a urinal.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Someone signed my nipple.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
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