I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
