The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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